Today I was looking at a family picture. We were gathered for an incredibly difficult event. When I looked at the picture, at each sweet face in the photo, the events of the occasion flooded through my memory. Agonizing days. Wondering how we would get through it. Wondering how it would end and when it would end. Laughter and stories and hugs and gentle hand holding. Food grabbed on the run and shared in hallways and hotel rooms. Sobbing and wailing, phone calls and questions for direction, and months that followed of how will we do the next thing. When I looked at my image, for the first time since I was a young woman, I saw myself as an incredibly strong woman. Remembering how I stood in strength to lead my family, to protect them, to provide for them, to shelter them, to make necessary decisions because they had to be made……I saw this smiling strength shining through what I knew in reality to be balancing between broken hearted and steel magnolia. Wow! Healing revelations. I am strong. There have been many…..MANY. ….m.a.n.y. people in my life who have tried to break me, take me, own me. To tell me that I am NOT enough. That I cannot……but I am learning. I can do hard things. Love a quote from one of my favorite blogs “Momastary”……”We can do hard things. Carry on Warriors!” You,....yes, I'm talking to you.....you can do hard things too. I believe in you....Carry on warrior....You've got this.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
You break our hearts, then keep tracking back…long after we’ve bolted the door to stop the bleeding, to stop the insanity …….to free our souls from the man who can’t love but says that he wants to only he can't 'cause no one ever loved him …."but you” you tell us…of course. But you never fully love us. None of us. Because you love yourself more. Sure you’re scared and so very afraid that I/we will find out about you who the real you is but who isn’t afraid who isn’t afraid no excuse there’s just no excuse.
You keep texting you miss me you miss me why won’t I talk you send presents with large letters scribed on the envelope so no one can ignore you no hiding but you never come out never take the plunge never fully give never loving as Christ loved His church….you never love only say you do, but demand complete love and perfection but I know I am not so I worried and fretted and hated myself my imperfect self. But my heart’s on the mend because I left the place we shared broken hearted I left but determined to leave the pain the rejection the turning away for another so don’t whine to me don’t act like you’re innocent you did this you did this every time I never left you. you did the leaving but now I left and you keep throwing pebbles hoping I’ll bite the bait but I don’t ever want to be in your house of pain you cannot be trusted you can NOT be trusted my bruises and bleeding and gun to my head and my screaming all bare witness to the truth that you are not to be trusted. Good-bye. good-bye. it’s a very good bye…bye-bye. Good good bye. Sweetest song in my ears. Sweetest joy bringing song. I’m dancing and twirling and happy and joy pure joy welling up and laughter flutters like butterflies in my belly so so happy broken chains broken heart-break-story broken yoke of stubborn bondage long time coming but it’s here.